TALK TO GOD IN SILENCE


There are times that you need to step out from the box where you keep yourself filled with random thoughts, emotions and a soon-to-burst mind. Sometimes you really have to do something new in order for you to cope up with your difficulties in life. 

Everything I did was a choice. No one forced me and no one asked me to detach myself from my usual doings for two days. I just did it to find myself. Honestly, I’ve been feeling so down these past few days. Halatang halata naman sa akin pag hindi ako okay eh. I always try to be fine especially in front of my family. Ayoko kasi nang hindi ako okay sa paningin nila. Minsan lang mangyari yun. About my friends, ganun din. I don’t share problems right away. Ayoko kasing mamroblema sila dahil sa problema ko. So I decided to join a silent retreat. Something I did years and years ago. Para kasing nakalimutan ko na yung feeling pag nasa retreat so there. I went there with people I don’t know.

We were around 20-25 participants coming from different places in Luzon. I wasn’t able to know all of them by name but I heard different stories and problems they’re into. Yun nga lang, bawal kasi mag-usap. Kakaiba but may reason kung bakit bawal mag-usap. And that reason made me realize sooooooooo many things. We have our own “mentor” to guide us and for us to have someone who we can share everything. Mahirap naman yung complete silence diba? Nakakabaliw yun. Retreat house ang pinuntahan namin, hindi mental hospital. Kidding aside, yung mga mentor namin yung nagbibigay ng advice and all. Basta nandun sila para i-guide ka.

My first day was plainly silence. Yung facilitator lang yung pwedeng magsalita. Kahit kakain kaming lahat ng sabay-sabay, hindi pwede makipag-usap. Kanya-kanyang mundo for short. And me being so talkative, it was new to me. (For the people who really know me, alam niyong hindi ko kayang manahimik lang. Alam na alam niyo yan. Kahit pa gaano ako ka-badtrip sa loob ng isang araw, lilipas din yun at dadaldal ulit). Magsasalita lang kami pag turn na namin mag share ng story.

Because of 3 hours of sharing, ang dami kong natutunan sa iba’t ibang tao. May mga oras na naiisip ko kung gano ako ka-blessed kasi hindi ko naranasan yung mga problema nila. Iba-ibang tao, iba-ibang personalidad, iba-ibang storya ng buhay, iba-ibang pinanggalingan at iba-ibang problema sa buhay. I witnessed different people with different situations. Lahat ng kwento nila pinakinggan kong mabuti. Baka sakaling may kapareho ako ng kwento. But no. Dun ko naisip na may mga tao pang mas mabigat ang problema kesa sa akin. 

When it was my time to share my story, I saw their eyes focused towards me. Para bang feeling ko nahihiya akong magshare kasi hindi ko naman sila kilala lahat at hindi ko pa sila nakakausap. Kahit pangalan nila di ko alam that time kaya lakasan na lang ng loob. And habang tumatagal, lumabas na yung kadaldalan ko and nakita ko sila na parang interesadong interesado sa kwento ko. But in the middle of my talk, I started crying. I just can’t help myself from shedding my tears. Hindi ko na napigilan. I ended it by saying, “thanks for listening guys” and gave them my smile while wiping my tears.

Nung time na para makipag-usap sa mentor, nilabas ko yung concern ko na hindi ko na-share dun sa group activity. And he told me things I’m not aware of. Parang hindi pa nga ako naniniwala kasi parang hindi naman. And every time nag-uusap kami, umiiyak talaga ko.

I’ll be including the statements he said to me in bullets and put my point of view below each. Ito yung mga hindi ako makapaniwalang sasabihin ng isang stranger sa akin.

  • “You have a good and forgiving heart. Kahit gaano kasakit ang ginagawa ng mga tao sayo, you’re still ready to forgive and accept them with open arms.”

Sabi ko sa kaniya, if a powerful God can forgive even the worst criminal alive, why can’t I? Hindi ako makapangyarihan tulad Niya para umasta na parang walang ginagawang kasalanan. Inexplain ko na kaya ako ganito kasi ayokong dumating yung time na pag ako yung nakagawa ng mali, hindi ako mapatawad.

  • “Every time you get hurt, you feel so bad that you think no one loves you.”

Hindi ko alam. I remained silent when he told me this. Ang nasabi ko ata was, kung mahal nila ko, bat nila ko sinaktan? And then sinabi niya na we both don’t know the reason of that person pero natawa ako and at the same time na-touch nung sinabi niyang “kung ex-boyfriend yan, he wasted half of his life letting you go”. Wala na kong na-comment pa dun. Tumahimik ako tapos sinabi ko na lang na siguro I didn’t play an important role to their lives kaya ganun.

  • “Habang pinapakinggan ko ang mga kwento mo, alam ko na agad na isa kang babaeng matatag at punong-puno ng pagmamahal. Yun bang kahit saktan kita ngayon, mamahalin mo pa rin ako. Ganun!”

I smiled. Sabi ko sa kanya, I cannot love someone if I myself don’t have one. I’m filled with God’s love. Plus yung pagmamahal na nakukuha ko sa pamilya ko. Sobra-sobra, nag-uumapaw. Para hindi masayang, bibigyan ko naman yung iba. Then he told me that ang swerte daw ng mapapangasawa ko. Tapos nagfollow-up question pa ng, gano na kayo katagal ng boyfriend mo? Sabi ko wala akong boyfriend. Tapos ayun. Kwentuhan na naman. Then he said, “alam mo, knowing a portion of your personality and life, pag bumalik yung trust mo sa kahit sinong ex mo, everything will be back. Mamahalin mo pa rin…” Blah blah. Ang dami niyang sinabi sa akin. Basta sabi ko, hanggat hindi nakikipagbalikan, wala akong babalikan. Ganun yun. At kung hindi ako mahal, bat ko ipagpipilitan ang sarili ko?

Ang dami pa naming napag-usapan at ang dami niyang sinabi sa akin. Kulang pa ata ang isang buong araw para ilagay ko pa lahat dito. To be continued na lang siguro. Haha!

Nevertheless, I enjoyed everything. Lalo na yung feeling nung sinabi ng facilitator na “Let’s all break the silence”, nag YES ako ng malakas. Hahaha! And all of them looked at me. Nagsmile na lang ako kahit medyo nahiya ako ng konti. Hahaha! Pero masaya ko nun.

Hanggang dito na lang muna ah? Next time, readers!🙂

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